I Wrote About This

"Do I really want to write about this?" I ask that every time I write a blog post nowadays. Who will see it? What will they think? There are plenty of posts I've started and abandoned due to some fear of the answer to those questions. But tonight, I'm going to go ahead and push forward. The overnite is an ideal environment for emotions to brew, stew, and augment. Knowing this, I was (and still am) inclined to smother any dangerous thoughts (related to sadness, worry, etc.) before they can escalate to a full-on reaction. Imagine: disaster strikes during your workday. You're upset. You need to talk to a friend. Except... when you look down at your phone, you realize there's no one in your contact list who's plausibly awake. You check Gchat and your two friends living abroad are online, only they're idle or away. Not to mention, the coworkers with whom you share an intimate workspace are noticing your huffs and puffs and fidgeting. You wonder if today will be the day they see you cry.

This scenario hasn't happened to me, but I fear(ed) it. And now, with some time on days, the idea of it is less threatening. But as it turns out, avoiding situations of troubling emotions can be quite precarious. I, for instance, postponed an event, and -- big surprise! --  it caught up with me anyway. SPOILER ALERT: If you don't know where I'm going with this, you will after this quote from Dan Savage: "Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn't."

The end of my almost 2-year relationship came yesterday (although, in reality, perhaps a bit earlier). I remember in college sometimes regretting time I wasted on things that ended. I don't feel that way this time, though I wonder if I mistakenly waited for it to "happen" rather than just getting it over with when I felt like it wasn't good anymore. But who wants to deal with the aftermath of anything in the isolation of overnite?

So, a conversation that should of happened much earlier was postponed. And now, it has happened. Was it a good choice to put it off? Well, I was able to talk with friends on the phone. One came to my apartment to eat pizza and watch some reality tv. Afterwards, instead of pulling myself together and going into work, I got into bed with my roll of toilet paper (the poor man's Kleenex) and I went to sleep knowing things would be brighter in the morning. At this moment, I'd say putting it off was well worth it.