Yet another Saturday morning post... this time from the 4AM hour. It's the result of trying to power through yesterday and stay up until a "normal" bedtime of 8PM. When my head hit the pillow for a rest around 6, I should've known I'd be a goner. I'm currently craving breaded chicken cutlets and some broccoli, which I'll mostly likely make after finishing this post. That and a shower, but I'll spare my roommate the high hiss of running water at such an ungodly hour. I've always been one to enjoy savory dinner foods for breakfast. I sort of attribute it to my being Chinese (not that this has much logic). But it's reached a new level since I started working nights. Brownies at 8AM? Yes, please. Steak to follow? Sure. Dumplings with coffee at 10:30PM? Sounds perfect.
NOTE: I couldn't wait to finish writing this to eat.
Whew. I feel better.
I'm under no false impression that it's a good thing to eat such strange meals at odd times But if I'm willing to make it, I'm willing to eat it... at any time of day. Because frankly, there are a lot of factors that make the whole process a hassle to forego entirely.
Is there a mountain of dishes already in the sink? Do I need to venture to Safeway for an extra ingredient? Am I eating alone? And most importantly, have I slept enough?
The answer to the aforementioned questions may determine whether I brave the night on a Clif Bar and TV dinner (in some cases, just several Clif Bars) or have something more substantial. Even as I write this, I'm wondering to myself, "Is this some sort of disordered eating... or just laziness?" Maybe a little of both.
I've settled in rather comfortably in the night shift in the last 5 months, but I continue to mourn dinners with friends and nights with Alex. Yes, as a co-worker has often pointed out in the face of my complaints, it's very possible to at least make dinners happen. Sometimes, I do, but not without incurring a feeling of exhaustion previously unknown to me. It's still tough to wake up before 7PM, to align my mood with the moods of those wrapping up the day, and to leave the dim lights of a restaurant for the fluorescent bulbs of an office.
All that said, I feel mostly* amazing. For the first time since college, I can look ahead a full year and and see more than a question mark. That's progress I can get behind.
*excluding job rejections, asthma cough, and winter weather fatigue